Postponing Damnation
by onlycullensforme
Summary: All EPOV. Ballet studio and hospital scenes from Twilight, may include scenes from other books later. Why does Edward resist Bella's transformation so much? Why can he not believe she loves him as much as he loves her? Are vampires truly damned? ON HIATUS
1. The Woman I Wanted The Most

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyers owns all characters. I just like messing with POVs.**

This had to be hell. Bella lay on the ballet studio floor in front of me, bleeding, twisting in agony.

"The fire! Someone stop the fire!" she screamed.

"Carlisle! Her hand!"

"He bit her." Carlisle's voice and thoughts twisted with revulsion.

I sucked in my breath, enraged and horrified. How could I have let this happen?

I distantly heard the metallic screeching of James's death at the hands of my brothers. A part of me yearned to be with them, but my place was here. I could smell the waiting gasoline, the varnish from the destroyed wood laminate floor that would stoke James's pyre.

None of this mattered.

More potent than anything else was the smell of Bella's blood—my thirst and desire were as strong as they had ever been. Maybe stronger.

"Edward, you have to do it." Alice's voice came low and hard, distracting me from the scent.

"No!" _I will not make Bella a monster. There has to be something we can do._

"There may be a chance," Carlisle said.

"What?" I begged him, eyes fixed on Bella.

"See if you can suck the venom back out. The wound is fairly clean."

"Carlisle, I… I don't know if I can do that," I whispered. Bella writhed in agony—I twisted with her.

"It's your decision, Edward, either way. I can't help you. I have to get this bleeding stopped here if you're going to be taking blood from her hand."

"Edward!" She screamed, then—her melted chocolate eyes opened, searching for mine.

Our eyes met. I had no choice now but to try. I could not allow her to become a monster, like me… But if I were to do as Carlisle commanded now—to take Bella's blood into myself, to try and save her from eternal damnation—I could just as easily kill her.

I would not be able to stop feeding.

In the split second that I considered this, Bella's tortured eyes flickered with trust. Trust I did not deserve in this moment with her scent pooling with the venom in my mouth. I set my jaw, swallowed, and took her hand in both of mine.

"Now, Edward, or it will be too late," Carlisle whispered urgently.

I nodded once and bent my lips to Bella's hand, hesitating only a fraction of a second more.

"I'm sorry, love," I murmured. She wouldn't hear me. I closed my eyes and touched my lips to her hand.

_Oh, God. _The taste! Even better than I had imagined—and I had a good imagination. If I could still dream, this flavor would have surpassed them all. One small part of my mind wished I _could_ still dream, so I could taste this morsel again after it ran dry… I would never forget the tang of this blood, its fiery urgency scorching my entire being with its heat, tailor made to quench my thirst.

I drank greedily, hands tightening reflexively against the source of my feast.

_Morsel_? Another part of my mind winced at this word choice for some reason that kept slipping away with every mouthful.

I could not stop.

So I tried to slow myself, to savor every drop before pulling more in. I could taste the venom and the adrenaline mixed with the ambrosia that was Bella.

Bella. _Bella._

My eyes snapped open and found her face—pale, haggard, broken… still exquisite and perfect. Her eyes were closed, her breathing somehow still even but slow.

I took all of this in even as I continued to drink, hands clutching their prize.

I could not stop.

_Bella_. _Not a morsel, you monster. This is _Bella_. _

I closed my eyes again and took one last dangerously long swallow of my beloved. Her blood was free from venom, mixed with morphine now, and, impossibly, even more intoxicating. _One more_, the monster inside me insisted. _One more swallow._

_No! _

I opened my eyes, released her and slid back immediately. I looked up at Carlisle, his golden eyes wide with a strange mixture of pride, fear, and awe.

_Just in time_, he thought. _Well done, Edward._

"Edward?"

My eyes flashed to Bella.

"He's right here, Bella," Alice answered.

"Stay, Edward, stay with me…" Bella pleaded.

"I will." I could hear the strained triumph in my voice. "I'm sorry, love," I murmured again, too low for Bella to hear. Carlisle and Alice looked at me, sympathy in their eyes.

I wanted to move closer to Bella, to take her hand, cradle her face. I didn't dare. Not right now.

"Is it all out?" Carlisle asked me quietly.

"Her blood tastes clean. I can taste the morphine." I licked my lips and shuddered, half in pleasure, half in disgust as I thought of her flavor again.

"Thank you, Edward." Bella's weak voice distracted me.

"I love you," I replied. _I _must_ love you. I didn't kill you_.

"I know," she breathed.

I couldn't stop my chuckle. Trust Bella to say something unexpected.

I realized then that I couldn't hear the snapping and screeching of James's demise anymore. Emmett and Jasper must be done.

"I smell gasoline," Bella said with surprise.

"It's time to move her," Carlisle said gently.

I nodded and knelt beside Bella.

"No, I want to sleep," she insisted.

I half-smiled, and gently cradled her in my arms before standing to join my family.

"You can sleep, sweetheart, I'll carry you." She laid her head against my chest and was silent. I could feel the rise and fall of her breathing, hear the weak but steady pulse of her heart. "Sleep now, Bella, love. You're safe."_ For now._

**A/N: I have more material from EPOV for the hospital scene. If there is enough interest, I can continue, but I know this has been done over and over, so....**


	2. Damage Control

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyers owns all characters. I just like messing with POVs and trying to get in their heads....**

_A/N: I know you know this, but this is in _Twilight_, after James and the ballet studio. Not all chapters in this story may be from _Twilight_ by the end, though they will be from the Twilight saga... Enjoy! _

Bella lay in the hospital bed, deeply asleep. I listened to the heart monitor confirm her heartbeat, comforted by its regularity. Again I took in her sleeping form, wrapped in bandages, covered in plaster, tubes and wires snaking away from her soft, fragile body. Even broken, she was beautiful—more than beautiful, really.

_I have to leave her_, I thought again. _It's for her own good. My world is too dangerous for her. _I'm_ too dangerous for her. Why won't she believe me? _

"Goodness, Edward, don't you ever sleep?" Renée, Bella's mother, asked as she came into the room.

I suppressed a grin and smiled wryly instead. "Not much. I'm a chronic insomniac."

"Hmm," Renée murmured, turning to Bella. "Any change?"

"No, she's still deeply under." _But at least she smells like Bella now_, I added to myself. The doctors had given her several transfusions, confusing her scent. It made me… anxious… not to smell the Bella who intoxicated me.

"Good. She's been through a lot."

"Yes," I agreed. _All of it my fault._

"Do you think she should go back to Forks?" Renée asked after a few moments of silence.

I sighed. Like mother, like daughter… Bella always asked me the most difficult questions, too.

"Only if it's in her best interest."

"According to whom?" Renée asked, eyes narrowing.

I met her gaze, a smile at the corners of my lips. "Anyone but Bella."

Renée's half-smile was short-lived.

"Then why come all the way here to persuade her to go back?"

"She didn't leave under the best of circumstances," I said slowly, choosing my words. "I think she could go back and put things in order. Say goodbye properly. Then, if she wants to leave, she can leave." _Run Bella run. Stay Bella stay.  
_

"What made her leave in the first place?"

I smiled and sighed again. Truly, I could see now why Bella was so fascinating: the combination of Renée's perceptiveness with Charlie's unconscious ability to shield his thoughts.

"I can't really say, Renée. It was a combination of things." Again, all of them my fault. I couldn't keep Bella out of danger. Especially because _I_ was the danger.

_You love her… yet… you're so… torn right now. _Renée's thoughts were as soft as her voice. _You came all the way to Phoenix to… say… goodbye? Why would you do that?_

To keep Bella safe. To let her be human. To escape the monster that I am—God, I can still taste her blood and I want _more_... right now…. And Bella knows all of this… To never be the cause of Bella's pain again. She would get over me. Right?

"So what exactly happened to her?" Renée asked.

"She agreed to meet me at my hotel so we could talk—Alice, Carlisle, Bella, and I. She took the stairs—why she insists on that, I'll never understand—and slipped in exactly the wrong place at exactly the wrong time." I sighed. It could have happened. I wished it _had_ happened instead of what had. "She fell down two flights of stairs and through a window before anyone could move."

Renée shook her head and chuckled once without humor. "That sounds like Bella."

We sat in silence for a while, listening to monitors and to each other's breathing. I scanned Bella's face again and again, watching for any sign of the pain I knew she had to be in. I allowed myself a small smile in the midst of my pain. For someone so utterly breakable, Bella was an extraordinary survivor. All that she'd been through before me. All that she'd been through because of me. All that I could still put her through… _No. I will not hurt Bella again._

Renee's stomach growled loudly and she looked up, embarrassed. A slight tinge of pink colored her cheeks. So that's where Bella's tendency to blush came from.

"Excuse me. I should get some food. You'll be OK here?"

I nodded once.

"Can I bring anything back for you?"

"No, thank you." I smiled my soft, non-threatening smile at Renée's kindness. Despite my control over my thirst, what I wanted was in this room, connected to monitors and IV drips. Not even a mountain lion sounded good right now.

"I'll be back in a few minutes."

I nodded once and turned my attention to Bella. I stood and walked to her bedside, hooking a plastic chair with my foot and pulling it to me as I sat down. I folded my arms and leaned forward, resting my chin on her pillow. So beautiful.

Bella stirred and opened her eyes. I held my breath so as not to frighten her. No sudden movements. She reached up to remove the oxygen tube under her nose.

"No, you don't," I admonished, catching her hand.

"Edward?" She turned to me. I breathed in her scent, barely registering the pain. "Oh, Edward, I'm so sorry!"

"Shhhh. Everything's all right now."

"What happened?"

"I was almost too late. I could have been too late," I whispered, tormented by the thought.

"I was so stupid, Edward. I thought he had my mom."

"He tricked us all."

"I need to call Charlie and my mom." Always the selfless one. I sighed.

"Alice called them. Renée is here—well, here in the hospital. She's getting something to eat right now."

"She's here?" Bella exclaimed, trying to sit up. I recognized the vertigo in her eyes and pushed her back into her pillows gently.

"She'll be back soon. And you need to stay still."

"But what did you tell her?" Bella's voice shot up half an octave; her heart rate accelerated. "Why did you tell her I was here?"

I rehearsed the story I had told Renée, then smiled slightly. "You have to admit, it could happen."

"How bad am I?" she asked quietly.

_Pretty bad, love. Yet here you are… alive… despite everything. And I want you now more than ever before… in the same dangerous and frightening ways as always._

"You have a broken leg, four broken ribs, some cracks in your skull, bruises covering every inch of your skin and you've lost a lot of blood…" _Almost 35% of your blood volume._ "They gave you a few transfusions. I didn't like it." I glowered at the memory. "It made you smell all wrong for a while." _Probably would have made her taste all wrong, too_, my internal monster added.

"That must have been a nice change for you."

"No, I like how _you_ smell." _And taste_.

"How did you do it?" Bella asked quietly.

"I'm not sure."

I had to look away from her, those deep, trusting, chocolate eyes I so easily lost myself in. I took her hand and tried to collect my thoughts. The memory took me and I was back in the ballet studio, Bella's bloody hand pressed to my lips. Waves of desire rippled through me but the monster was fettered, sated by memory. I swallowed convulsively, remembering the taste.

"It was impossible… to stop." I whispered. "Impossible. But I did." I met her gaze again and half-smiled. "I _must_ love you."

"Don't I taste as good as I smell?" she teased lightly. _Ah, Bella, love. If you only knew. And if I could only explain without frightening you._

"Even better—better than I'd imagined." So delicious. I had to swallow again.

"I'm sorry."

I shook my head slightly and smiled to myself. Always apologizing for the wrong things.

"Of all the things to apologize for." I rolled my eyes.

"What _should_ I apologize for?"

_For falling in love with me… No. I don't mean that. For not _fearing_ me more than you love me._

"For very nearly taking yourself away from me forever."

"I'm sorry," Bella said again.

"I know why you did it," I soothed. I felt the same protective instinct toward Renée that I did for Bella. "It was still irrational, though. You should have waited for me, you should have told me."

"You wouldn't have let me go."

_Damn right, I wouldn't have let you go! _

"No, I wouldn't."

A pained look came into her eyes then and she trembled, then winced.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

"What happened to James?" she asked in a small voice.

I sighed, feeling suddenly weary, and met her gaze for a few moments before opening my mouth to speak.

_A/N: Sorry, me again! I tried to come up with a believable percentage of blood loss and keep Bella alive until she made it to the hospital. I found differing percentages, so I went with kind of the middle of the worst percentages of blood loss that absolutely required a transfusion. If anyone knows a better percentage, let me know. Also, reviews are lovely. Let me know how much you'd like to see. I can stop anytime! :-) _


	3. Hospital Revelations

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyers owns all characters. I'm just having some fun by diving into Edward's mind.**

I told her what I knew and answered some of her other questions. In the reflection of her eyes, I saw my face twist in rage as I told her what Alice had learned about herself. Bella reached for me, then looked down at her hand, wincing.

"What is it?"

"Needles," she explained, staring at the ceiling.

_Are you kidding me? Needles?_

"Afraid of a needle," I murmured, shaking my head. "Oh, a sadistic vampire intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An _IV_, on the other hand…" Her instincts were definitely backwards. She could survive the most frightening things in the world—me and my kind—but a small piece of hollow metal that helped to keep her alive. _That_ was frightening?

"Why are _you_ here?" she asked pointedly.

I looked up at the change in her tone, confused and hurt.

"Do you want me to leave?" I frowned. Certainly, I would leave if she wanted me to. I should talk to Carlisle anyway.

"No! No, I meant, why does my mother think you're here? I need to have my story straight before she comes back."

"Oh." I leaned forward slightly and gave her my most persuasive look. "I came to Phoenix to talk some sense into you, to convince you to come back to Forks…." I continued with my explanation, inserting my virtousness in the appropriate places. "You don't need to remember any details, though, love. You have a good excuse to be a little muddled about the finer points."

"There are a few flaws with your story," Bella said after a moment of thoughtful silence. "Like no broken windows or other evidence."

"Not really. Alice had too much fun fabricating said evidence. You know how… exuberant… she can be. You could probably sue the hotel if you wanted to. You have nothing to worry about." I reached out to stroke her cheek, the touch sending an electric jolt through my body as always. "Your only job now is to heal."

I could hear when Bella's heart accelerated and chuckled when the heart monitor scolded her for it.

"That's going to be embarrassing," she muttered.

I chuckled and appraised her for a moment. "Hmm. I wonder…" I leaned forward, as slowly and deliberately as possible. Bella's heart sped, again betrayed by the monitor. But when I pressed my lips to hers—more gently than ever before—both her heart and the monitor were silent for a full beat.

I pulled back and held my breath until the heart monitor confirmed that Bella's heart was, indeed, beating again.

"It seems that I'm going to have to be even more careful with you than usual." I frowned, folding my arms.

"I was not finished kissing you yet," Bella complained. "Don't make me come over there."

I grinned and bent to kiss her again. The monitor beeped frantically.

I heard Renée's soft footsteps in the hallway and pulled away from Bella again.

"I think I hear your mother."

"Don't leave me!" Bella begged.

"I won't," I promised solemnly. "I'll take a nap."

I stretched out on the turquoise, faux-leather recliner at the foot of Bella's bed and closed my eyes. I listened as Renée quietly interrogated Bella about Forks, me, my family.

"What hurts?" Renée asked suddenly. I looked up at Bella, anxious.

"I'm fine," Bella soothed. "I just have to remember not to move."

I suppressed my smile and closed my eyes again.

"You'll like Jacksonville so much!" Renée gushed to Bella.

I froze, listening to Renée sell Bella on Jacksonville. _She _should _go to Jacksonville, _I thought. _I couldn't hurt her there. _

"Mom," Bella interrupted Renée. "I _want_ to live in Forks." _Run Bella run_. _Stay Bella stay. _"I'm already settled in at school, and I have a couple of girlfriends… and Charlie needs me. He's just all alone up there and he can't cook _at all_."

"You want to stay in Forks?" Renée asked incredulously. "Why?"

I had to remind myself to breathe, even though I didn't need to. Renée and Bella discussed Bella and me for several minutes. Renée's breathing hitched.

"Phil's supposed to call in a little while… I didn't know when you were going to wake up…"

"No problem, Mom," Bella assured. What a selfless, pure angel. I could do nothing to deserve her.

"I can stay baby, if you need me," Renée said.

"No, Mom. I'll be fine," Bella insisted. "Edward will be with me."

"I'll be back tonight." Renée's promised, almost threatened. Like Bella's indignation, Renée's was endearing.

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you, too, Bella. Try to be more careful when you walk, honey, I don't want to lose you."

I couldn't stop my grin.

A nurse came in as Renée left and fussed over Bella for a moment. When the door closed, I was up and at Bella's side.

"You stole a car?" she asked, surprised and and slightly indignant.

"It was a good car, very fast," I smiled.

"How was your nap?"

"Interesting." My eyes narrowed as I took in her expression.

"What?"

I had to look away for a moment.

"I'm surprised," I admitted. "I thought Florida… and your mother… well, I thought that's what you would want."

"But you'd be stuck inside all day in Florida. You'd only be able to come out at night, just like a real vampire."

I looked up at her, willing myself to smile. _A _real_ vampire? I wasn't _real_ enough for her?_

"I would stay in Forks, Bella. Or somewhere like it. Someplace I couldn't hurt you anymore."

I stepped back a pace as Bella's heart accelerated dangerously and she began to hyperventilate. Before I could do anything, a different nurse came in to check on Bella. Bella refused pain medication despite the nurse's solid logic and Bella's need. The girl was so _stubborn _sometimes. I exhaled a long breath.

The nurse left and I was back at Bella's side, her face between my hands.

"Shhh, Bella, calm down."

"Don't leave me." Her voice broke as her eyes bore into mine.

"I won't. Now relax before I call the nurse back to sedate you."

Her heart did not slow.

"Bella." I stroked her face, silently willing her to calm down. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here as long you need me."

"Do you swear you won't leave me?" she whispered through gasps of breath. I could see the pain in her eyes, not all of it physical. I took her face between my hands again.

"I swear." _For now_, I promised myself.

We held each other's gaze until Bella's heart began to slow and find its normal rhythm.

"Better?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Silly girl. No need for such an overreaction," I murmured, shaking my head.

"Why did you say that?" she asked, still whispering. "Are you tired of having to save me all the time? Do you _want _me to go away?"

I suppressed a sigh and turned back to face her. I _should have gone away a long time ago, Bella. Don't you see how weak I am by staying?_

"No, I don't want to be without you, Bella, of course not. Be rational. And I have no problem saving you, either—if it weren't for the fact that I was the one putting you in danger… that I'm the reason that you're here." _Why won't you believe me, love? Look at all I've done to you. Please, Bella, don't make this so hard for me._

"Yes, you are the reason. The reason I'm here—_alive_."

"Barely," I whispered. "Covered in gauze and plaster and hardly able to move."

"I wasn't referring to my most recent near-death experience." I raised an eyebrow at the irritation in her voice. "I was thinking of the others—you can take your pick. If it weren't for you, I'd be rotting away in the Forks cemetery."

I couldn't contain my wince.

"That's not the worst part of it, though." I continued as if she hadn't spoken. "Not seeing you there on the floor… crumpled and broken. Not thinking I was too late. Not even hearing you scream in pain—all those unbearable memories that I'll carry with me for the rest of eternity. No, the very worst was feeling… knowing that I couldn't stop. Believing I was going to kill you myself." _And enjoying every last drop. The taste…_

"But you didn't." Ah, the trust in her voice.

"I could have. So easily." I should leave now.

"Promise me," Bella whispered.

"What?" What could she possibly want from me? Could I give it to her? I wanted to. God knows I wanted to give her everything.

"You know what."

I processed the anger in her tone with shocked surprise. Why was she angry? I groaned internally, wishing I could read her mind.

"I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose you'll get your way… whether it kills you or not." _And it _will_ kill you, Isabella. _

"Good. You told me how you stopped… now I want to know why."

"Why?" I asked, warily. Why _wouldn't_ I stop? I didn't _want_ to kill her. I wasn't a monster!

"_Why_ you did it. Why didn't you just let the venom spread? By now I would be just like you."

WHAT?! How did she know _this_? I had never told her the specifics of vampire transformation, had never intended for her to know. I stood motionless, considering Bella's knowledge.

_Alice_.

Regardless, I was not going to answer. How could I answer? Her question suggested that she_ wanted_ this half-life that I lived. I could not, would not, do that to her.

"I'll be the first to admit that I have no experience with relationships," Bella continued. "But it just seems logical… a man and a woman have to be somewhat equal… as in, one of them can't always be swooping in and saving the other one. They have to save each other _equally_."

I took a deep breath and walked to the side of her bed. I folded my arms and rested my chin on my arms, taking a deep breath.

"You _have _saved me." I would never have enough time to tell her in how many ways she had saved me, continued to save me. The only way _I_ could truly save _her_ would be to leave. Right?

"I can't always be Lois Lane," Bella insisted. "I want to be Superman, too."

"You don't know what you're asking." _Run Bella run. You can't possibly want this. Not even to be with me. _I _don't want it for you, even to be with me. At least I shouldn't._

"I think I do."

"Bella, you _don't_ know. I've had almost ninety years to think about this, and I'm _still_ not sure."

Her breathing hitched slightly. "Do you wish that Carlisle hadn't saved you?"

"No, I don't wish that." _If Carlisle hadn't saved me, I wouldn't know what love is, what it is like to be complete, to hold you in my arms, to lose myself in you, to _live."But my life was over. I wasn't giving anything up." _Because I didn't know _you_. You didn't exist yet. And yet, I _must _give you up. For your sake._

_"_You _are _my life," Bella countered. "You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose."

* * *

_A/N: I'm evil, I know. We know how this plays out in Twilight, but how might have Edward reacted to this news? I've wondered if this isn't where he begins the process of distancing himself from Bella, or at least planning on ways to let go. Prom as a farewell gesture, perhaps? The "I don't want you to miss anything" discussion suggests that he's trying to prepare her for his absence.... Ah, well. It's fun to think about at least. That's why I write. Reviews are lovely and appreciated, but I'll keep writing anyway. Keep in mind I have other stories, too. Thanks for reading! --OCFM_


	4. Standing My Ground

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all characters. I'm just having some fun diving into characters' minds.**

_A/N: Yep, more of the hospital scene. Sorry for the long wait...._

* * *

It simply was not possible. A human could not feel as strongly, as passionately, as _completely_ as a vampire could. Bella may say that I was the core of her existence, but humans change all the time. Memories fade and ideals change; I'd seen it too many times to count. I had seen a few humans who sought to become vampires, but they never truly understood what they asked for; they romanticized vampirism, spurred on by novels and other silly stories. There was nothing romantic about our lifestyle, even those of us who were… vegetarians… and we were few and far between. If Bella would not fight for her humanity, I would.

I faced her, jaw clenched and eyes determined. "I can't do it, Bella. I won't do that to you." _Why do you think I saved you in the first place?_

"Why not?" Her voice came out raspy and quiet, but there was no mistaking the indignation in her tone. "Don't tell me it's too hard! After today, or I guess it was a few days ago… anyway, after _that_, it should be nothing."

_Nothing? God, Bella, you really _don't _understand, do you? You have no idea how close I was to killing you... and _enjoying_ myself. I can still taste you, and I still want you... and your blood. How can I make you see? How can you possibly want to be what I am?_

I felt my eyes narrow, reflecting my anger and frustration.

"And the pain?" I challenged, simultaneously recalling her screams at the taste of venom in her veins and my own pain of transformation. I would never forget either.

Bella winced and grimaced slightly before she caught herself and smoothed out her features.

"That's my problem," she stated with surprising confidence. "I can handle it."

I suppressed a scoff and shook my head slightly. My Bella was brave and stubborn, not the best combination for a danger magnet as she was.

"It's possible to take bravery to the point of insanity," I said as evenly as possible. _And, my love, you are treading a very, very fine line._

"It's not an issue. Three days. Big deal." I winced at her dismissive tone and at her knowledge. I never wanted her to know so much about… my nature. It was my instinct, an overwhelming instinct, to protect her from pain at all costs.

I wanted to snap back at her and express in excruciating detail exactly what the pain of transformation would do to her. She obviously remembered the pain she had been in. I wondered if she could truly conceive of three full days of that pain and then the resulting bloodlust. She would not be herself for quite some time, though the… essential… Bella would surface eventually. I loved her enough to wait for her to come back to herself… Wait. No. I could not consider that possibility. Bella _had_ to stay human. Maybe if I pointed out what she would lose.

"Charlie? Renée?" _You will never be able to see them again. You will have to leave them. Do you understand this? _Can_ you understand this? I can't take you away from your family. I _won't_ take you away from them. I'm not worth it. Can't you see?_

The silence stretched while Bella tried to come up with an answer. I could see her struggle. She was too selfless to leave Charlie and Renée behind, even as awkward as the relationships may be. It had nearly killed her, literally and figuratively, to leave Charlie behind when James was a threat. There was no way she could do it to satisfy herself.

I allowed myself a small smile.

"Look, that's not an issue, either," Bella said weakly. She was such a terrible liar. "Renée has always made the choices that work for her—she'd want me to do the same. And Charlie's resilient, he's used to being on his own. I can't take care of them forever. I have my own life to live."

"Exactly." _Finally, love, you see my point. You. Have. A. _Life_. You will forget about me. Give me more time and I'll be strong enough to let you go. I promise. _"And I won't end it for you."

Two could play the stubborn card.

"If you're waiting for me to be on my deathbed, I've got news for you! I was just there!"

I flinched and recalled again her broken body on the ballet studio floor, her screams… her taste. I swallowed and composed myself quickly.

"You're going to recover," I said as firmly and gently as I could.

Bella inhaled sharply; her body twitched in pain but she ignored it. _Stupid lamb. You're in pain. You need to rest. Please, love, don't make this harder than it is._

She held my gaze for several moments, neither of us giving in to the other's arguments. Part of me could see her point; truly, I could. I had entertained the thought of Bella at my side forever, but she would no longer be… alive. She would be condemned to this half-existence with me, living a façade that must never be broken.

"No. I'm not," Bella contradicted me.

I frowned and furrowed my brow in confusion. She was definitely mending. I could smell her injuries healing as we spoke; there was no trace of infection, no sign of inadequate knitting of her bones.

"Of course you are. You may have a scar or two…."

"You're wrong," she insisted quietly but firmly. "I'm going to die."

"Really, Bella." _Your injuries are not that serious. I would know. Please. Relax._ "You'll be out of here in a few days. Two weeks at most."

I wanted to reach for her, smooth back her hair, and press a kiss to her forehead, make it all go away. Her icy glare stopped me. She had never leveled such a look on me before, not even in jest.

"I may not die now," she paused for a moment, choosing her words carefully. I raised one eyebrow. _I don't like where this is going, love._

"But I'm going to die sometime. Every minute of the day, I get closer. And I'm going to get _old_."

I frowned and pressed my fingers to my temples as if I had a headache. In some sense I did. Bella's mind was fascinatingly quick; her seemingly simple statements filled with implications I was never sure she truly considered. She had gone where I hoped she wouldn't go, cataloging her humanity, boiling it down to one of our most basic differences: she would age and eventually die while I… did not, could not.

"That's how it's supposed to happen." _And until I knew you, I longed for that to have happened to me. Bella, love… How can I make you see? _"How it _should _happen. How it would have happened if I did not exist—and _I shouldn't exist_." I could not make it any plainer.

Bella snorted derisively. I opened my eyes, surprised by the sound.

"That's stupid," she declared, her beautiful brown eyes snapping with inner fire that still drew me despite our current… disagreement. "That's like going to someone who just won the lottery, taking their money, and saying, 'Look, let's just go back to how things should be. It's better that way.' And I'm not buying it."

_Run Bella run._ "I'm no lottery prize." I could not contain my growl. _Stay Bella stay._

"That's right. You're much better."

I exhaled sharply. She was not going to see. I didn't know how to make her see. As much as I appreciated her… faith… in me, it was ultimately misplaced. I was fundamentally a monster.

Right?

_If you are such a monster, why is she still alive? Why did you stop drinking from her? You remember how she tastes. So good. So satisfying. _

How quickly my own mind could betray me.

I rolled my eyes at Bella's assessment of me and set my jaw. "Bella, we're not having this discussion anymore." I tried to keep my tone as formal and… resolved… as possible. "I refuse to damn you to an eternity of night and that's the end of it."

She leveled her gaze on me, the same spark in her eyes now reinforced with an inner steel I did not realize she had.

"If you think that's the end, then you don't know me very well. You're not the only vampire I know."

I did not miss the warning in her voice and felt my eyes narrow as my vision became tinged with red and black.

_Don't _even_ play that card with me, Isabella Marie Swan! No one in my family would _dare _to do that without my… consent. Not even Carlisle. Especially not Alice._

"Alice wouldn't dare," I said with as much control as I could muster. There was no mistaking the outrage in my tone. Bella's breathing hitched slightly and her pulse accelerated slightly. I could smell her adrenaline. She was afraid of me.

_Good_.

"Alice saw it already, didn't she?" Bella guessed. As usual, her perception was right on. I remained motionless, unwilling to answer her, but my stillness only confirmed her suspicions.

"That's why the things she says upset you," Bella continued. "She knows I'm going to be like you… someday."

_Not if I have anything to do with it. Have I not gotten through to you at all? Have I not made myself clear, love? _

"She's wrong." _Run Bella run._ "She also saw you dead, but that didn't happen either."

"You'll never catch _me_ betting against Alice," Bella declared firmly.

_Stay Bella stay_.

I steadily and silently held her gaze, memorizing her features. Soon, I would find the strength to leave her, to let her live her life as fully as possible. If I could not leave now—and as much as I should, I was not about to leave her helpless and injured—then I would do my best to make sure that she did not miss any important human things. Prom was coming up. She had made her feelings about Prom quite clear, but I knew I could manage to get her to go. Alice would help me.

I felt my face relax as I thought of Bella in a formal gown, in my arms on the dance floor.

"So where does that leave us?" Bella wondered aloud. I sighed inwardly and quickly replayed our entire conversation. Neither of us were going to budge.

I chuckled without humor. _Stubborn lamb._ _Do you have any idea how much I love you? _ "I believe it's called an _impasse_."

* * *

_A/N: Wow. Sorry that this took so long. I do have three stories going on as well as a pressing academic project--a must-get-done-or-won't-graduate type of project. As fanfic is my fun writing, it's my reward. I made a lot of progress on my academic project. Hence, a new chapter of this and Safe In Forks all in one day. I think, though, that this one may need to go on hiatus for a while simply because I have so much going on. I'm not sure yet, though. _

_As always, reviews are lovely but not required. I will soldier on with this--even if it takes a while between updates--so that I can revel in my exploration of Edward's mind. Thanks for reading and for your patience. --ocfm  
_


	5. Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You

_Sorry. I hate it when an author's note takes the place of a chapter. So, I will keep this short._

_I need to go on hiatus until at least July. I need to concentrate on schoolwork and will also be researching material for a potentially extensive AH fanfic. While I like this particular story, it's at a standstill and the responsible thing to do is either to call it complete as it is, or take a break from it rather than force the material and end up hurting the story. I'm choosing to take a break. I have more ideas for this story, but only so much time. If there is anything you'd like to see, though, feel free to let me know in a review or PM. I'll do what I can to accommodate you, but not until July. ____  
_

_Thank you for reading. I apologize for disappointing you, but this is what is best for me right now. I will be back. I promise. _

_If you need things to read, check out my favorite stories on my profile or search for Daddy's Little Cannibal or Bronzehairedgirl620 or MartiniBaby1. Or, better yet, write your own stories! _

_Finally, I wish to express my condolences to the friends and family of Daddy's Little Cannibal. She will be missed._


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